Edward Elric: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Hikari Hrair-rah
Summary: At last, the one and only comprehensive guide for EDWARD ELRIC owners everywhere has arrived!


_**SURPRISE!**_

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Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist OR the Owner's Guide idea!

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**_Congratulations!_** You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated EDWARD ELRIC unit! To insure you get the full use and benefits of your Full Metal Alchemist, please pay close attention to the following instructions:

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_Basic Information:_

_Name: Edward Elric (a.k.a. Ed, Fullmetal Sir, Niisan, Little Bigger Brother)_

_Date of Manufacture: Year 1899, Continental Calendar_

_Place of Manufacture: Amestris Inc, Resembool Division_

_Height: Kinda short (Unit does not allow its height to be measured)_

_Weight: Heavier than he should be_

_Length: Varies with use_

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Your EDWARD ELRIC comes with the following accessories:

One official State Alchemist pocket watch

One little Book 'o Alchemy Notes© (written in unbreakable code)

One pair black elevator boots

Three long-sleeved red coats with the symbol of perfection in alchemy embroidered on the back

Four long-sleeved black vests

Four sleeveless black t-shirts

Two pairs black pants

Forty-five pairs of white gloves

Two pairs blue boxers

One automail arm (full right arm, unit comes assembled)

One automail leg (partial left leg, unit comes assembled)

One small bottle of sewing machine oil

One Carry-Everything Suitcase©

When you first open the box containing your EDWARD ELRIC, you may find him confused, suspicious and irritable. Having an ALPHONSE ELRIC in the immediate vicinity is the best option for adjusting your EDWARD ELRIC to its new environment.

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**Programming**:

The EDWARD ELRIC unit is a sulky, teenaged unit that may need extra persuasion in order to bring his various yet extraordinary skills to bear.

**Handyman**: With his talent in alchemy, your EDWARD ELRIC can fix almost anything. Just hand him a detailed description of what the thing you want restored originally looked like, what it did, and how it was put together, and your EDWARD ELRIC unit will have it looking like new with a clap of his hands.

**Bodyguard**: Enemies got it in for you? The EDWARD ELRIC unit is a well-trained fighting machine fully capable of kicking butt whenever called for. His disregard for taking damage may require you to find ways to keep him out of trouble before long.

**Tutor**: Believe it or not, your EDWARD ELRIC is a child prodigy in the sciences, especially in the science of Alchemy. With enough prodding, his ultimate cramming skills will prove invaluable when final exams come around.

**Modern Artist**: With the power of alchemy at his fingertips, your EDWARD ELRIC will have no trouble expressing himself in the medium of concrete and solid rock. Behold his greatest masterpiece, which he calls 'What I wish would happen to that dumbass Colonel'!

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Your EDWARD ELRIC comes with seven modes:

Smugly Scientific (default)

Guilt'n'Angst

Three Mile Island

Chernobyl

Unholy Terror

Five Year Old

Slash (level one lock, unit-imposed)

Please note, the Three Mile Island mode and the Chernobyl mode are the two anger settings for your EDWARD ELRIC unit. While Three Mile Island can result from any number of problems and your unit can be calmed down before things get too dangerous, the Chernobyl mode activates whenever anyone implies anything about your EDWARD ELRIC unit's height (or lack thereof), with a sixty percent chance of injuries and property damage for the idiot that mentioned it.

Also, do the EDWARD ELRIC unit's preoccupation with the discovery of the Philosopher's Stone and the restoration of his little brother, the Slash unit is under a unit-imposed level one lock. This means that the unit maintains the lock itself. Constant exposure to other units in Slash mode (or the successful restoration of his brother's body) is the only way to deactivate this lock.

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**Relations with other units**:

Your EDWARD ELRIC unit is a young, slightly cynical teenager who enjoys company - to a certain extent.

**ALPHONSE ELRIC**: The younger-but-larger Elric Brother. This unit is 99 compatible with your EDWARD ELRIC at all times (like most siblings) but when there are disagreements…beware of alchemy fights.

**WINRY ROCKBELL**: Childhood friend and current automail mechanic. Aside from the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit, this unit has the highest compatibility rate with your EDWARD ELRIC unit, and can perform needed maintenance on his automail arm and leg whenever required. However, whenever the EDWARD ELRIC unit annoys the WINRY ROCKBELL unit, flames and wrenches will fly…so have a medic on standby for your EDWARD ELRIC unit.

**PINAKO ROCKBELL**: Also called Granny (amongst other, less appropriate titles) the PINAKO ROCKBELL unit serves as an adult role model for the EDWARD ELRIC unit, as well as being his other automail mechanic.

**IZUMI**: Also known as Teacher, the IZUMI unit is an experienced alchemist and proficient martial artist. She is the alchemy instructor for your EDWARD ELRIC unit, but be warned - the IZUMI unit subscribes to the prodigious school of '_Learning through Pain_'.

**COLONEL MUSTANG**: The Flame Alchemist, a shameless womanizer, and your EDWARD ELRIC unit's superior officer. Ambitious, smug, and annoying, the COLONEL MUSTANG unit does exhibit a sense of protective responsibility for the Elric Brothers.

**Other unit Interactions**:

**MAJOR ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG**: Also known as the Strong Arm Alchemist, the MAJOR ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG is best known for his sparkling personality, his loyalty to his friends, and making stirring speeches after taking his shirt off. A friend of the EDWARD ELRIC unit.

**LIEUTENANT-COLONEL HUGHES**: Perky officer in the Investigations Department, and a loving husband and father. He will not hesitate to shove pictures of said family into the faces of those who speak to him/look in his general direction/greet him unwarily, so some caution must be taken. A friend of the EDWARD ELRIC unit, the LIEUTENANT-COLONEL HUGHES unit is skilled in the use of throwing knives.

**THE HOMUNCULI**: A set of seven. These units are all dangerous and must be dealt with using extreme caution. LUST: Beautiful woman, with tattoo on mid-upper chest. Spiked fingers extend to pierce through anything. GLUTTONY: Small, portly man, with tattoo on tongue. Has acidic spit, and lives to eat anything and anyone. ENVY: Tall, slender teenager with long, spiky hair, with tattoo on left thigh (usually). Can transform into anyone. WRATH: Small child with long black hair, with tattoo on underside of right foot. Can perform alchemy without a transmutation circle. Does not like crying babies. GREED: Tall man with short, spiked hair, with tattoo on back of right hand. Can turn his own skin into unbreakable substance. SLOTH: Beautiful woman, with tattoo on left-upper chest. Can turn body into water-like substance. PRIDE: Middle-aged man, with tattoo on left eyeball. Has very lucrative government job.

**THE LIMITED EDITION HOMUNCULI**: Only three models are currently available in this exclusive line of HOMUNCULI. LIMITED EDITION LUST is a beautiful, buxom lady whose fingers extend to pierce anything. LIMITED EDITION ENVY is a perky, happy, and vicious shape-shifter who takes great delight in what s/he does. LIMITED EDITION GLUTTONY is a cuddly walking stomach who'll do anything for a snack. Be warned, these versions are even more dangerous than the original set.

**SCAR**: Middle-aged survivor of Ishbal. Can destroy and absorb anything with his right arm, and is currently on a vendetta to kill all State Alchemists. Interactions between the EDWARD ELRIC unit and the SCAR unit must be monitored, but after a regular period of trying to kill each other, a tentative working relationship can be formed.

**HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT**: Father of the EDWARD ELRIC unit. The EDWARD ELRIC unit loathes this unit for leaving the Elric family to fend for itself, and resents him for his role in the death of his and the ALPHONSE ELRIC's mother. Interactions between these two units should be carefully monitored.

**DANTE**: Evil bodysnatching alchemist. The original set of HOMUNCULI obey her orders, and the DANTE unit uses them to carry out various nefarious plots in order to acquire Philosopher's Stones for use in more bodysnatching. Approach with caution, especially when she is holding or nearby any small babies.

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**Cleaning**:

The EDWARD ELRIC unit, being a resident of the modernized state of Amestris, is a self-cleaning unit that knows how to wash himself with soap and water. He is also proficient in basic maintenance of his automail (see enclosed oil). However, if the unit appears disoriented after delivery, feel free to offer help.

Rub unit dry with towel after washing. Do not machine-wash unit. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not line-dry unit.

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**Energy**:

Your EDWARD ELRIC unit comes with a appetite appropriate for a growing teenaged boy, so almost anything you have will be good enough for him. If the appropriate materials are around, the EDWARD ELRIC unit is capable of transmuting his own food. However, the EDWARD ELRIC unit does not drink milk unless it is mixed into something else to disguise the taste. Those who try to force-feed milk to this unit have been warned.

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**Frequently Asked Questions**:

**Q**: I love my new EDWARD ELRIC sooooo much! He's so cute and wonderful! But I don't like dating guys shorter than men, so how do I make him taller?

**A**: …Ignoring the complete shallowness of your question, there are several methods for successfully increasing the height of the EDWARD ELRIC unit. Due to the use of heavy automail limbs, the EDWARD ELRIC's natural growth is stunted when he is first shipped. If you have a WINRY ROCKBELL unit available, set her to work on making new automail that weighs less. If you don't have one, or its not working, try setting your EDWARD ELRIC up with regular, lightweight prosthetics, and see if that works. If all else fails, platform shoes are the way to go.

**Q**: Why are my EDWARD ELRIC's eyes gold? Human eyes aren't naturally gold. It's almost creepy that he's got both those gold eyes and blonde hair. It can't be natural.

**A**: It is if you're related to any HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT units. Unless there is another, stronger color coming in from the mother's side of the family, the majority of all units sired by HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT units have gold eyes and blonde hair. Coincidentally, those units are the ones with the big, fat grudges against HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT units.

**Q**: There's something weird with EDWARD ELRIC unit. Instead of a short, blonde-haired, gold-eyed, automail-using State Alchemist, I got a not-as-short, brown-haired, gray-eyed, non-automail-using regular alchemist. Did something happen to my unit?

**A**: Your order was mixed up, apparently. You have accidentally received one of our RESTORED ALPHONSE ELRIC units. On the other hand, _you have received a free RESTORED ALPHONSE ELRIC unit!_ Due to various factory problems, only highly limited quantities of those were ever produced. What you have there is a collectors item…and the screaming mob of rabid fan girls pounding on your door as we speak are here for him.

**Q**: SAVE ME FROM THE RABID FAN GIRLS! THEY WANT TO TAKE MY EDWARD ELRIC UNIT AWAAAAAY!

**A**: (twitch) …To avoid/deter rabid fan girls: First, hide your EDWARD ELRIC unit somewhere. And not somewhere obvious, because the fan girls aren't that stupid. Then go answer the door and tell them that you don't have an EDWARD ELRIC unit. If/when they protest - or have visual evidence to the contrary - tell them you have an ENVY unit. If you actually do have an ENVY unit, now would be a great time to put him/her to use.

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**Troubleshooting**:

**Problem**: You showed your new EDWARD ELRIC unit the library shortly after his arrival. You have not seen your EDWARD ELRIC unit since.

**Solution**: EDWARD ELRIC units love to read. In fact, they love it so much they can and will ignore all outside stimulations to focus on reading as much as possible. This is normal behavior, though if it gets too out of hand, other units should be sent in to snap your EDWARD ELRIC unit out of it.

**Problem**: You left several units, including a DANTE unit, alone with your EDWARD ELRIC unit for an extended period of time. Upon your return, you find that your EDWARD ELRIC unit has vanished, and that the DANTE unit looks very pleased with herself. There may have been a small baby involved.

**Solution**: What did we tell you about DANTE units and small babies? It seems that the DANTE unit didn't want your EDWARD ELRIC unit getting in the way of her new Philosopher's Stone, and banished him to the other side of the Gate. If he doesn't make it back on his own within two weeks, we recommend getting a new EDWARD ELRIC unit.

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With proper care and maintenance, your EDWARD ELRIC will live a full and happy life while staying under your roof. His warranty is good through one untimely fatal accident: email the provided address and the PHILOSOPHER REPAIR SQUADRON will fix that genius alchemist up right away, for many more years of (hopefully) good times for all. (Warning: PHILOSOPHER REPAIR SQUADRON repairs are a one-time offer. We don't care how cool you think glowing suits of armor are, you only get to see them once. And they're not for sale!)


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